Sunday, May 01, 2011

Suicide


The last photo that I have of you...

Really? You threw yourself off the same window by which you stood everyday to imagine us come home to you? When I came to visit you for that short trip that was monitored by the intelligence service five years ago, you held my hand, took me to this same window, showed me an elementary school that was across the street and told me,” It’s a girl’s elementary school. Do you hear them play in the yard with their white scarves? My little Azadeh is still among them. You are still there, playing in the yard. I wake up every day and listen to their morning ceremony while imagining my little butterfly, Azi, among them.” Then, we both were silent and watching them play and scream in the yard. Then, you made me promise you to one day bring a baby to this world just will look just like me. You promised me to stay alive for as long as I get into Harvard, write our story and to start a beautiful family and bring a little cute grandchild to come and play with you so that you are not bored of solitude and house arrest anymore. Then, we started to laugh and I said, “Daddy, I will call my son Siamak.” And we both smiled. Then you said, “But now it’s too early to think about these things. I just want you to know that I cannot wait to see Ms. Azadeh’s little child one day and till that day, god willing, I will keep myself healthy until we reunite.

What happened, Siamak Pourzand? You promised me to wait at that same balcony. And then you could not wait anymore. I don’t blame you not even for one second. You had all the rights to seek freedom this way. Just know that the thought of your shattered head on that ground, your beautiful smile and all the things you have ever told me are both making me stay strong and die a hard death every second right now.

I heard you grabbed onto the edge of the balcony for a second before finally letting go. Is it because you were regretting having jumped down the balcony? Or is it because for a second, you thought you heard me knocking on the door? The thought of you holding on to the edge of that balcony for a second before you let death take over is killing me, like a sharp thorn it is penetrating my eyes.

I miss you so much, Dad. I have been missing you for years. But, at least I could pick up the phone and hear your voice every day. But now what? Who is going to call me and leave those silly and funny messages for me every day? Who? Are you really gone? I cannot believe it. Did this really happen? Did you really throw yourself off that window? What went through your mind when you threw yourself off the 6th floor and floated in the air until that damn moment when you let the earth kiss your head? Did you think of us? Did you send me a goodbye kiss? I think I felt something on my cheek some time that night. Was it you? Was it? Tell me it was.

29 Comments:

At 9:40 AM, May 01, 2011, Blogger Ma Anand Divyo said...

I cry tears of saddness my heart embraces you..tears flow that I will never see my old love ..I was hoping just by chance to see his lovely face once again...
so beloved Siamak..I have carved you in my heart forever..fly into freedom dear one...I will always remember you..always . I send you with love on your way to the eternal, the divine, safe place...Love Doreen

 
At 10:09 AM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Ghazal Shafai said...

Azadeh jan, I wish I had something to comfort you... my heart is crying with you and I just cannot imagine what you and Leily are going through at this time...

 
At 11:27 AM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous sany said...

I lost my dad when i was 15 and now after 16 years he is still live in all my moments,be sure he will be with all of you every seconds,you are not alone,he crossed the boaders and no one can stop him any more.God bless him

 
At 11:33 AM, May 01, 2011, Blogger Shahram said...

I have fond memories of your dad. You all came to my wedding. I remember him when we bumped into each other once on the street and how warmly he greeted me and congratulated me for my marriage.
Yes. I do remember him so vividly and fondly.
I dare anybody who could claim his life was in vain. It was not. He had you and still does. He was so big that a regime was fighting with him. He reduced this barbaric regime into rubble. He made the whole world know how disgraceful this Islamic regime is. He is with us all. He will be remembered.

Peace Be Upon Him.

Shahram Arshadnejad

 
At 12:12 PM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

يکباره قرار از کف من رفت ونهادم
بر سينه ديوار در خانه سرم را
نا گه پسرم گفت چه مي خواهي از اين در
گفتم پسرم بوي صفاي پدرم را

 
At 1:46 PM, May 01, 2011, Blogger radius said...

Dear Mrs. Pourzand,
I read about the death of your father at www.iranian.com. I want to express my deepest condolence. For somebody from Europe it happens to often that we forget that behind the political headlines there are real persons becomming victims of the criminal, inhuman regime in Teheran. As you described your dad, he will stay forever in the memory of new Iran. And his murderers will be prosecuted.

Michael Rosemann
http://broken-radius.blogspot.com/

 
At 3:02 PM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Malahat F said...

Azadeh jaan, azizammmm... I cried by reading both your writings, I wish I could say something :(
Love you, Love Leili e azizam... Be strong azizamm... I am sure he is now with you, I am sure he kisses you and leili every night before going to bed. Love you azizammmmmm....

 
At 4:01 PM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, I'm crying right now and tears are running on my face. I didn't know your dad, nor do i know you. but I'm crying, for him, for you, for myself!
I wish I could write you something that would comfort you at these hard times. But my vocabulary fails me. I'm sorry...

 
At 7:54 PM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart is crying with you, azizam. Please stay strong. Love you, Fatemeh Aman

 
At 9:05 PM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Azadeh, our thoughts are with you and your Mom. There are no words to describe how sad we feel, a great loss. Love, Mahnaz and Brian

 
At 9:46 PM, May 01, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

words cannot describe my sorrow after hearing this news. I, too, know the pain of hearing about the death of a father on the phone, in ghorbat, and not being able to even attend the funeral. I am angry and disgusted about what this regime has done to your father, your family and so many others. may you find peace and comfort in your memories of him and may the memory of his life comfort you and your mom and sisters.
yek doost

 
At 10:57 PM, May 01, 2011, Blogger L said...

My father is Mansour Khouzani Kharkairan --- He told me what happened... I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and yours.

 
At 1:42 AM, May 02, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

من هرگز شما و خونودتون رو ندیدم، ولی‌ از وقتی‌ که خبر مرگ پدرتون رو شنیدم خیلی‌ خیلی‌ ناراحتم، باور کنید خیلی‌ها از جنایتی که در حق خانوادهٔ شما شده آگاهند و خودشون رو در غم شما شریک میدونند... براتون آرامش و لذت بردن از بعضی‌ غم‌ها و رنجها که زیبا هستند آرزو می‌کنم...

 
At 5:48 AM, May 02, 2011, Blogger freenet said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 5:52 AM, May 02, 2011, Blogger freenet said...

آزاده عزیز: هر انسانی از این نامردمی قلبش فشرده میشود. حتما باعث افتخار پدر هستید. . پدر و مادری که فرزندانی مثل شما دارند باعث افتخار هر انسان آزاده. یاد سیامک پورزند زنده خواهد ماند و با آزادی ایران روحش شاد خواهد گشت. در اندوه شما شریک هستم

 
At 12:54 PM, May 02, 2011, Blogger Yolanda said...

My dear,

I would have loved to meet your father, but all I could was once speak with him on the phone. All he said were the three words that some people find so hard to pronounce, but that he gifted me with without personally knowing me: "I love you, I love you". So adorable... I also love him and hope he rests in peace.

Besos y abrazos,
Yolanda

 
At 1:11 PM, May 02, 2011, Anonymous Sally said...

Dear Azadeh, we are with you and your family at this terrible time. Your love for your father is something that carries his spirit forward. Your brave and honest words help us to feel close to you and to share in your pain. Your voice is heard, and we grieve with you. We send you our deepest sympathies, our thoughts, our prayers, our love.

 
At 4:09 PM, May 02, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am at work and crying behind my desk & I do not even know you or your family, cry of sadness and sorrow for all of you and strangely nough a little comfort that I can still have hope that still there are still Iranian heroes that have real true Iranian values, courage like Kaveh a-ye Ahangar & .....and they are the ones make me still be proud of being an Iranian. the scarifies your father & your family has made is not a waste and helps people like me to still believe and have hope & also want to teach my grandchildren to be proud of being an Iranian.
with Love, an Iranian.

 
At 5:26 PM, May 02, 2011, Anonymous m said...

dear azade
freedem and free men never die

 
At 7:23 PM, May 02, 2011, Anonymous Carl Gershman said...

Dear Mehrangiz and Azadeh,

I want to extend to you both, on behalf of everyone at the NED, our deepest and most sincere condolences on the death of Siamak Pourzand, husband and father. His death is not only a personal tragedy for your family, but it underlines how terrible and oppressive the situation is in Iran where the people live in fear and in bondage. May his death and the values to which he devoted his life give you, your family, and the Iranian people the inspiration and strength to carry on in the struggle for freedom, which I know will eventually prevail. Please accept our heartfelt sympathies.

Sincerely,

Carl Gershman

 
At 12:38 AM, May 03, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My deepest condolences Azadeh! He is free now... Please confirm you're still going to write and publish those stories... thousands of people are waiting to read them...

 
At 7:33 AM, May 04, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Aza,
I have just read, with horrowful imagination and sadness, about the passing of your father on the Huffington News. I am so sorry for you. He was "A great, great man". You come from a great, GREAT,
G R E A T family. Amazingly brave!!! I have never known where to go to find out just "exactly" what is happening in Iran.

You now have a faithful follower.
Thank you so much for all your insights and your beautiful eulogy about your father. A most amazing heartfelt love comes through your writing. I saw a comment here that states that freedom and free men never die. Idealism in that respect is very beautiful. I just wish we could disarm the animalism operating in certain parts of the world. It was a most sad notice from the universe when I read about your father, and also your blog about the stoning.
How can this much ignorance and stupidity still be existing?
Stay wondrous Aza, you are amazing!! I will read return to read many more of your writings.

Love to your family from the USA,

signed,
TheBigCalorie@gmail.com

 
At 10:11 AM, May 04, 2011, Anonymous Marc Plattner said...

Dear Azadeh,

I just wanted to add my personal condolences to the messages that Sally and Carl have sent to you and your mother on behalf of the Reagan-Fascell Fellows Program and the NED as a whole. It was a terrible shock to read about the death of Siamak Pourzand with the realization that this was your father and Mehrangiz’s husband. After seeing some of the news stories and reading your moving words about him, I have a better sense of what a remarkable man he was, and I regret all the more the fact that I never had an opportunity to meet him. I know how deeply you must feel his loss, and hope that the expressions of sympathy from your many friends offer you at least some small consolation.

Sincerely,

Marc Plattner

 
At 12:02 PM, May 04, 2011, Blogger Acey said...

Azadeh jan,

Your words made my tears flow. Though I don't know you and your family personally, I know what your dad did for us all and how much he suffered. I'm glad that despite your severe sorrow, you were not blaming him for he wanted freedom.
Words are really wordless. I share your pain.

Acey

 
At 3:20 PM, May 06, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

آزاده جان واقعا متاسفم و تسلیت عرض می کنم به شما دختران آقای پور زند و خانم کار.امشب تصویر شما را در برنامه کامبیز حسینی در تلویون وی-ا-ای دیدم و از قبل از این برنامه با شنیدن خبر خیلی متاثر شدم چرا که فردی نجیب و بزرگ که خدمات فرهنگی بزرگی برای اعطلای فرهنگ این جامعه بیمار انجام داد و من جوان 27 ساله با کدوم امید در این خاک باید زندگی کنم وقتی بزرگی همچو ایشون اینگونه از زندگی محقری که براش مهیا کرده بودند و دوری شما و ...و نمی دونم.فقط خواهش می کنم برای مبارزه بزرگ آماده باشید چرا که صدای شما و فریاد خانواده شما دل گرمی ما برای گرمی اتحاد مردم در ایران هست و ما این روزها فقط حرف از اختلاف نظام و مرگ پور زندد عزیز رو در صدر مکالمات و اتفاقات بزرگ این روزها داریم میشنویم.

زنده باشی و از خداوند بزرگ صبر براتون آرزو دارم...روحش شاد

 
At 4:45 PM, May 06, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Azadeh,
I connect to your beautiful letter to your dear father, cry of frustration, sadness and immense pain, as I too experienced hearing the news on the sudden death of my dear father over the phone, 1000s of miles away.

5 years later I can assure you, that your father will never die... he will laugh and cry with you (more laugh i promise!)and you will wake up from dreams that are more vivid and real than any reality you have ever experienced. He is and will be with you and you will just learn to live with the new 'form' of his existence, through patience and time.

my condolences to you and your family, and your dear mother who has been a big inspiration to me for such a long time.

avisheh

 
At 6:07 AM, May 07, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

تسلیت میگم

 
At 6:59 PM, May 07, 2011, Anonymous Anonymous said...

آزاده جان, ممنون به خاطر همه حرفاي قشنگ خودت و خواهرت تو برنامه پارازيت, مخصوصا به خاطر حرف آخرت كه خيلي زيبا بود, اين اولين باره كه بعد از اون همه آموزه هاي ديني كه در اين چند سال به همه ما تحميل كردن باور دارم كه خودكشي (يا هر اسم ديگه اي كه بشه روش گذاشت) كه از طرف پدرت انجام شد, با ارزشترين و درست ترين كاريه كه پدر شما براي رسيدن به آزاديش انجام داد و از يك طرف براي همه ما دردآور و از طرف ديگه قابل تحسينه. همه ما ايرانيها به يه طريق آزاديمونو از دست داديم حتي اگه تو زندان نباشيم و حتي اگه بيرون از ايران زندگي كنيم. شجاعت آقاي پورزند براي رسيدنبه آزاذي مثال زدنيه, براتون صبر آرزو ميكنم

 
At 7:08 PM, May 07, 2011, Blogger Sina said...

To all Pourzand family and Iranian, especially to you Azadeh.
I believe your father sought his freedom after ten years and I am sure he is happy and comfortable now. He is not dead he is still alive among all of us. He has made a great effort and influence by his work that prevents him from death.
No one can eliminate your fathers life, no jail, no house arrest did work. He himself and his ideas are all immortal.

Siamak Pourzand is our dad and our Hero.

Stay strong and bright as candle to light up every darkness.

 

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